An Interview with Lily Yu
When Dr. Pendleton came to speak with us in March, I was introduced to a new term: "The Sandwich Generation". The sandwich generation refers to those sandwiched between aging parents who need care or help, and their own children. This is the "Traditional Sandwich". There is also the "Club Sandwich", those with multiple layers, sandwiched between aging parents, adult children and grandchildren, or else with young children, aging parents and grandparents. Lastly, there is the "Open Faced Sandwich", which is anyone involved in elder care. (Definitions by Carol Abaya, taken from http://www.thesandwichgeneration.com).
In addition to taking care of their own children, driving them to and from school and after-school ballgames and classes, the Sandwich Generation also has to juggle the needs of an older generation who also need driving around, but have a completely different sets of demands, such as taking their medications on time, or being driven to the store. The Sandwich Generation may also have a job. Most often, the one sandwiched in the middle is a woman: a mother, daughter, grandmother, and granddaughter, all rolled into one.
I interviewed Lily Yu, one of the founders of the Women's Ministries at BCEC, and faithful chairperson of the ministry for over 5 years. Lily was born and bred in Boston, the middle of 5 children. She has been married to Ray, a graphic designer, for 16 years, and they have two children: Amanda (13), and Jordan (10). Trained in environmental design and landscape architecture, Lily current works as a paraprofessional/instructional aid in the Boston Public Schools. The Yu's live in West Roxbury. I asked Lily to share her experiences as a "Club Sandwich".
Q: Who do you care for in your extended
family and what are their needs?
I cared for my father when I was young. He was already retired when I was born.
I ran errands for him, and was available for him. I was one of 5 children and
I stayed home the most to be with him. My other brothers and sisters were always
out with their friends, so I stayed home with my dad, and I felt I couldn't
go out because he needed me. Maybe I felt more "guilt" because he
was elderly. I was closer to my dad than my siblings because I was more available.
He passed away in 1986.
My mother is currently in her 70's. My oldest sister is the main caregiver for my mother because she speaks the most Cantonese/Toisanese, and can better communicate with her about medical issues. She likes being independent, so she just depends on my oldest sister to pay her bills and distribute her medication. But if my mother needs anything she will call me.
My grandmother-in-law is in her mid 80's. We used to live in the apartment above her, so we would help her a lot changing light bulbs, fixing her clock, doing her bills, and interpreting for her. I ran errands for her, drove her to church or meetings, or to fellowship. Now that we have moved, she has other relatives who do those things for her, but if she needs me, she calls for me to drive her or write her checks.
I also help my other in-laws interpret letters, fill in forms, or call the utility company. They are more independent, but sometimes need help with English.
Lastly, I take care of my two kids, who are in elementary and middle school.
Q: What are some challenges that you've
experienced caring for the elderly?
I felt that I couldn't go out, because I had to be available for them, so I
didn't have much of a social life. Sometimes I feel I am not capable because
I cannot communicate (in Chinese) with them. I have to guess what they need,
and then do it. When they need you, they will call you, but it is difficult
to be there and to be available, and to get what they needed done, and try
to fit it all in my schedule.
Q: What are some challenges that you've
experienced caring for your children?
I always have to be there for them, and support them emotionally and academically.
I try to help them do better in school, focus on studies, encourage them to
participate more. I always have to be there to drop them off and pick them
up, be there for appointments, and show up. It's challenging in terms of time.
Everything works around their schedules.
Q: What are some challenges you've faced
balancing caring for the elderly and your kids at the same time?
It is hard to find balance, to balance the children's schedule with the elderly's
schedule. You have to work around and accommodate everyone. In the end, you
lose out on doing what you had originally planned.
Sometimes I feel I have to choose between my kids and the elderly, so I ask the older generation: "Do you have to do it now? Can I wait till later or on the weekend?" Or else I find someone else to do it. For the most part, they are understanding, and they tell me it's up to my schedule because they know I have to take care of my kids. But when it's important, such as when my mother was in the hospital, Ray is available to stay home so I can go.
Sometimes though, I feel like I'm the only one available to help them. I got sick one Friday night, but I still got up on Saturday with a low-grade fever to drive my kids, grandmother-in-law and my cousin over to Framingham for a birthday party. Then I had to drive my grandmother-in-law home, she wanted to leave early, then I went back again back to Framingham to the party and waited to drive my mother-in-law, cousin and my kids. Nobody knew I had a cold and a fever, but I couldn't not go because nobody else was around to drive them. I went home and crashed later. Driving everyone around is a challenge. The mail and the bills can wait, but I have to be there to drive.
The only time I have for myself is if I am sick.
Q: How do you teach your kids to respect
and care for the elderly?
I hope I'm showing them by example, but I find as they get older I have to
say more. They sometimes ask, "Why can't they get someone else to do it?" and
I tell them, "I'm available and this is our way to help our parents." I
hope they will learn from that. It's not always obvious to them so I have to
explain it to them. For the most part they don't grumble, even when they have
to go along in the car and go to my mother's place when I need to go there.
I explain to them, "Por por (grandmother) needs us." I cannot leave
my kids so when I drive around they have to come too.
Q: What are some strategies that have
worked for you in balancing the two groups?
If I have a conflict I pray hard, but for the most part it's talking to both
parties and saying, "Can this wait until later?" or "Can you
wait until I'm available?" They never make me feel outwardly guilty, but
I do feel some indirect pressure, because I know it's an obligation for me
to do it. I feel that I should do it because I'm married into this family.
I take care of them out of love for them. But it's also an obligation because I know there is a need, and it's important to me that their needs are met. The elderly are people too, and they also have social needs. They need someone to be around. I'm more available because my hours are more flexible than most other people. Other people work 9-5, and some of my siblings live out of state.
In choosing who comes first, it's a matter of priority, and depends on whose issues are more pressing. If the kids' needs are more immediate, I choose the kids.
Q: What do you think is the greatest
challenge of the sandwich generation?
Balancing time.
Q: What do you think is the greatest
need of the sandwich generation?
We need more hours in a day, and more energy. There have always been 24 hours
in a day, but in the old days, they had less to fill the day up with. Nowadays,
you're trying to fit more in, but we still only have 24 hours.
Q: What can women do at BCEC do to help
others who are within this unique generation?
I need someone I can depend on to be available to watch the kids if I need
to run out to run an errand or to take someone to a doctor's appointment. That
way, I don't have to take the kids with me to sit in the waiting room.
God has a plan for everyone. He has given us so much direction in His Word for caring for elders, but we also have to care for our children. It's a matter of finding time for both. I just think if we ask for the time, we will find it somehow.
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